Monday, September 28, 2009

Vulnerability (In Progress)

Be true to yourself. Peel back the layers and let the real you shine through. It's the only way to exist in the world. These are difficult words to live by. I'm striving to do it every day. I'm succeeding some days and failing miserably most days.

I went to see the remake of the film Fame last night. Not being a huge fan of the original, I was just interested in seeing some exciting dance and vocal moments. I got some great moments. There were times I actually had chills. But I took away one thing from two non-performance moments:

1. In an improv moment, in order to loosen up, one of the characters is told that she needs to be willing to make a fool of herself and that there is no time like the present to learn that. I always had problems with improv in college. It's uncertain. The need to be in control can't exist within improv. When I sing a song that is unrehearsed, all my control of the situation flies out the window. I get so embarrassed when I don't perform to perfection. The biggest part of my problem as a performer is that I won't allow myself to just have fun and be silly - let people laugh with me or at me. I have such a facade built around me. I want to be perceived as smart, sexy, glamorous, fashionable, knowledgeable, and well put together. I haven't found a place on my adjective shelf to add vulnerable.

2. A character is told that he needs to open himself up and be honest with the class. The teacher wanted him to tell the class how he really felt about the situation he was describing. He wanted the student to open up and let the class in. I can give all the details in the world about an experience but does that mean I'm really telling you how I felt about it? Am I sharing with you how it affected me, honestly? I have always felt that I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I'm not very good at hiding how I feel. Again with the vulnerability though. Opening up and being honest is being vulnerable. Being real is being vulnerable. I sometimes wonder how often I'm just me. The shell casing I've surrounded myself with isn't good at allowing vulnerability. I tend to patch up the cracks quickly.

The theme emerging here is lack of vulnerability. I question what situations I need to put myself into to be vulnerable so that I can learn how to do it better. Not allowing vulnerability keeps me single and living in fear. I don't date because I don't want my heart to be broken. The saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," is lost on me. I believe it's probably true, but I just don't allow myself to take the chance. I realize that by not taking the chance I'm also not allowing something that could be the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me to happen. It's all fear based. Fear is another theme in my life. I need to change the recurring themes. I wish it was as easy as changing the theme on my computer. Just double click and the scene or color changes.

I have to learn to let loose in my life. I've been wanting to go to the gay bar Evolve since I moved to the east side eight weeks ago. I still haven't gone. Fear!! I've been struggling with these problems for a long time. I'm still struggling with them because I'm not really dealing with them.

If admitting you have a problem is the first step then I think it's time for step two. Everything happens at the right time, but baby steps are faster than this.