Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Never Wear Mauve on a Bus...Or Fart!

"Now I'm standin' in the kitchen, carvin' up a chicken for dinner when..." Wait. What? That's not my story.

This is my story. So I took a bus to Boston; it was a pretty smooth ride when...I got gas - again! It felt like it had been pent up inside of me all day. Maybe it's because I had chili with extra beans the night before. I don't know. (Yes I do, it was the chili) What I do know is that when Kiah left work at 4pm, I was free to be me because Kenny can't smell.

Anyway, back to the bus; I had the pains of gas churning and I could feel the pressure release back into my abdomen as I struggled to keep it from seeping out into the world. I have no idea what that really is. It feels like instead of releasing the gas my body uses invisible hands to pull it way back up inside of me. Gross, I know, but an honest description. Eventually I had to start releasing it. I was a little worried about the poor girl in front of me, on our mostly empty bus, as she innocently watched the Gilmore Girls on her computer. I kept an ear alert for sounds from her, but nothing ever happened. Was I being paranoid? I wasn't actually smelling anything myself. Maybe the silent but deadly time had passed. Maybe I had moved past the beans into a silent, non-fragrant air period.

Around 12:30am, completely covered from the neck down by my coat and comfortable enough to sleep for the first time in about an hour, I released another round of gas into the world. The coat covering me created a funnel that routed the stink straight back to my nose. My toes curled a little. If a phosphorescent light had been shined on me I surely must have looked like Pigpen from the Peanuts comic strip except the dust would have been replaced by a green, pulsing cloud.

I truly felt bad for the girl who had been getting hit with those bombs all night. I wasn't sure I could make eye contact with her when the bus arrived in Boston. I envisioned her gazing at me, disgusted by what I'd put her through. I was hoping the smell would just dissipate under my coat. Then someone behind me started to cough. I thought to myself, "Oh dear Lord is he coughing from the stink of my fart? Is it making him gag?" Paranoia again. It wasn't me at all.

When the bus arrived and the lights came on, no one looked at me any differently than they would have at 2am after a four hour bus ride. Judgmental eye crisis averted.

When traveling: know how to get there, and how to get back, and eat first; just not beans!