Impolite Society: I'm Offended, He's Offended, They're Offended, We're Offended

The summer before my senior year of high school (way back in 1988) my friends and I adopted the catch phrase, “I’m offended.” It was used as a response to a shocking or outrageous statement. You can equate it on par with "Well I never." There was usually a dramatic intake of breath, a look of shock on the face, and then with the perfect inflection “I’m offended” was uttered. Today the response might be “Rude” or “Seriously." 

I recently watched a segment on CBS Sunday Morning about Larry Flynt. During the piece the following quote by Former Chief Justice William Rehnquist filled my TV screen and strongly resonated with me: “The fact that society may find speech offensive is not a sufficient reason for suppressing it.”

Seeing that quote reminded me of the aforementioned phrase from high school and that got me to thinking. Are we too easily offended today? When a person has a differing opinion from our own and chooses to say so publicly are we (meaning all people) taking it so personally that we can’t refrain from lashing out and chastising the offender through our status updates, tweets and the comment boxes attached to every article that keeps the pot of controversy boiling for days after? I’m guilty of this. I lash out in haste with those updates and tweets rallying my like-minded friends and followers into “likes” and retweets, but what good does it really do? 

We offend each other. We say dumb things. We often don’t think before we speak or post or tweet. We aren’t concerned that our words might hurt people and we seem unaware that those words might carry repercussions. We’ve lost our manners in an effort to get what we want. Everyone else be damned.

A friend of mine keeps reminding me that the more vocal anti-gay people are with their publicly made anti-gay remarks the more gay-friendly people and those questioning their own beliefs on the situation are going to catch on to the ignorance behind the remarks. He’s right. I’ve seen it in myself. What used to be an angry outburst with an increase in blood pressure has turned into an eye roll and a head shake. 

I struggle with differing opinions. I struggle with feeling as though I can’t be friends with people whose opinions differ from mine. I’m learning that’s not true. I don’t have to get upset. I don’t have to cut off communication. I don’t even have to try and sway them to believe as I do. All I really have to do is respectfully disagree with what they think.

When Duck Dynasty patriarch, Phil Robertson made his anti-gay comments my Facebook and Twitter feeds became a messy banquet of Duck Dynasty comments both pro and con. Then A&E made their decision to suspend Mr. Robertson, and the backlash exploded like a frozen duck put in a deep fryer. I struggled. I hated what the man said but felt that his suspension was unnecessary. I felt as if A&E, the cable channel that carries Duck Dynasty, should have made a statement that the man and his opinions do not reflect those of the network and be done with it. His suspension outraged his supporters and gave this man and his opinion much longer in the spotlight that it deserved. 

Believe me when I tell you I understand the fight for equality, civil rights, human rights (however you choose to categorize it) that we in the gay community are fighting for. I do. What I question the most is this: Are we—the gay community and our supporters—appearing weak by fighting every battle of words that is waged against us? Are we trying to live in such a politically correct society that we’re attempting to create a sterile environment where no one is allowed to have their own beliefs, let alone speak them publicly? These are legitimate questions. Those who choose to publicly make anti-gay statements aren’t stupid. Everyone knows the internet exists. Nothing stays buried or hidden for long. There’s always a backlash. 

That leads me to Juan Pablo Galavis and his recent anti-gay comments. I don’t care about The Bachelor or Mr. Galavis, but he’s entitled to his opinion. Maybe he’s homophobic? He can even have gay friends and be homophobic. What I really hate is the apology that gets made after the fact. We’ve seen it too many times. Some publicist advises a very public mea culpa. I don’t ever believe the apology. I have  no warm fuzzy feeling now that Mr. Galavis has reached out to GLAAD in an effort to make amends. I tend to believe the offending statement is the real truth. It’s kind of like being really honest when you’re drunk. The alcohol gives you the courage to say what you really want to say. The next day if you’re lucky enough to remember what you said you might be excited that you finally said it or embarrassed, maybe even ashamed, that the words came out of your mouth. From my own experience, more often than not, those words have been the truth.

I don’t want an apology from people who make anti-gay statements and then say they’re sorry. The apology to me is fake, pretend. What I want is to stop taking the negative, anti-gay comments so personally. In 1949 Oscar Hammerstein II wrote the lyric “You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear” for the song “You’ve Got To Be Carefully Taught” from the musical South Pacific. That sentiment was true before it became a lyric in a song and it remains true today. Racists still exist. Homophobia continues to be taught. Haters hate. People are going to be people, and there will always be disagreements. 

When I say we should try not to be offended by every anti-gay statement, know that I’m looking in the mirror. I know I take it personally. The point is I don’t have to. And you don’t have to either. We all have to try to not let the anti-gay haters get us down.

Maybe it’s time to make “I’m offended” the humorous, snappy comeback to all those anti-gay remark makers. After all, a little humor goes a long way. Like the obnoxious sound of a duck call or the stench of a decaying rose. Too much? Too sarcastic? No offense intended. Humor is subjective. I’ll keep working on it.

Education: Our Best Defense Against Ignorance

A version of this piece also appears on Huffington Post Gay voices

Please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to the founder of conservative group Mission America and all around good Christian, Linda Harvey.

Why are we in such a place, friends, where children learn homosexual behavior is noble? That amputating healthy body parts is admirable but the mention of Jesus Christ during a graduation ceremony is controversial? I'll tell you how. It's because not enough of us are calling this lunacy what it is. We need to have a clear idea about what is evil and speak up about it in order to preserve the good. And these actions are pure evil and should be declared child abuse.

The above words, used to speak out again the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), stunned me into silence that quickly turned into an angry outburst. No applause for you, Linda Harvey.

Why shouldn't schools include gay-inclusive education, e.g. the Stonewall riots, Harvey Milk? In History class children are educated about war, slavery, the civil rights movement, Nazis, the Holocaust. I'm purposefully pointing out darker moments in history because I feel people like Linda Harvey, who are so against homosexuality, equate us gay people on par with these moments. Why shouldn't a child learn of gay-related issues in school? If knowledge is power, doesn't it take some of the stigma away from homosexuality if children are taught of its existence instead of it being a dirty little secret that is only spoken about in hushed voices like cancer being discussed around the dinner table?

I would have benefited from such a learning environment. Instead I was taught about homosexuality and its "sinful" place in our society by preachers who condemned me to Hell before I even fully understood what I was feeling. Imagine growing up without that fear. Imagine learning in an environment where questions can be asked and a dialogue can be started. I had no one to speak to about what I was feeling.

For those who are convinced that homosexuals are out to recruit children or that children who learn about homosexuality might want to become one of us I say this. I was not recruited. Homosexuality was not promoted to me. On the flip side I'll add, I did not want to become a straight man no matter how much I was taught about human sexuality and reproduction in health class. I grew up around only heterosexual relationships, and I didn't decide one day to be straight. We are who we are and understanding who we are is only going to benefit us not harm us. I so often hear that gay people have an agenda. I think those against gay people have more of an agenda than anyone. Gay people want to be heard and accepted. Those against us want to persecute us and would be happiest if we went back into the closet and left them to live in ignorant bliss in their rose-colored glasses world.

Don't try to convince me that children need protecting from the knowledge that LGBTQ people exist. Some children are scared and trying to understand what they're feeling. I would know. Others are cruel and laugh in the face of those they see as different. I would know that, too. I myself was bullied by a school mate who later in life reached out to me to tell me that he too was gay and so afraid of his feelings that he joined others in name-calling me as a defensive tactic. Interesting. Maybe with the help of forward thinking teachers, like those involved with GLSEN, other children and teens can avoid such situations because they will learn what they're feeling is nothing to be ashamed of. Those not in the position to struggle with the fear of their own feelings have no right to condemn an education practice that will help explain them. All of us want to be understood and accepted.

Below is the mission statement of GLSEN:

The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network strives to assure that each member of every school community is valued and respected regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression. 

We believe that such an atmosphere engenders a positive sense of self, which is the basis of educational achievement and personal growth. Since homophobia and heterosexism undermine a healthy school climate, we work to educate teachers, students and the public at large about the damaging effects these forces have on youth and adults alike. We recognize that forces such as racism and sexism have similarly adverse impacts on communities and we support schools in seeking to redress all such inequities. 

GLSEN seeks to develop school climates where difference is valued for the positive contribution it makes in creating a more vibrant and diverse community. We welcome any and all individuals as members, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity/expression or occupation, who are committed to seeing this philosophy realized in K-12 schools.

Where's the evil? How is the above mission statement anything but a wonderful commitment to safety, education, and respect for all students?

Often times I believe we are against something because we don't understand it. It doesn't make sense to us. Let me take a moment and say that I recognize how I react when I don't understand something. I lash out and get angry. I feel foolish and embarrassed. I don't want to admit that I don't know the answer, how to solve the problem. Now go with me here, but I'm wondering if people who don't understand homosexuality, people who think it's just dirty sex and perversion, are afraid to admit they don't understand and are lashing out as a way to cover their lack of knowledge.

Maybe some of these people truly feel that they're right and that homosexuality is wrong, but maybe some are just digging in their heels, fighting every step of the way, at learning something new. I don't have the answer, but I know that when I accept that I don't understand something and acknowledge that my reaction is because of that lack of understanding, I feel a lot better about the situation and become much more open to learning. It's much easier to learn something new than to pretend you know everything.

I'm so proud to live in America where we have the freedom to even debate this topic. I'm proud to be a gay American and to witness all the progress gay people have made even in the 20 years since I came out of the closet. There's still a long way to go, but educating people is a step in the right direction. The time for hiding is over. Now is the time to teach. Now is the time to listen. Now is the time to learn. Now is the time for understanding. Now is the time to change your point of view. Now is the time to once again integrate and accept.

It's All About Spin

This piece appears on HuffPost Gay Voices

Here we are in the 21st Century. The year 2013. A time when gay people and those who support us--our desire for equality and human rights--get blamed for many things: birds falling from the sky in Arkansas, Hurricane Sandy, North Korea’s threats against the U.S. Imagine my surprise when I discovered this ever growing power the gays have over the universe dates back to biblical times when my gay brethren of old caused the Great Flood back in the days of Noah.

I learned this interesting bit of information from Matt Barber, conservative co-host of the radio program “Faith and Freedom,” in a video from said program on the website Right Wing Watch. Not only did Mr. Barber present me with the information that homosexuals entering into marriage caused the Great Flood. He also stated, “Tolerance, in the twisted way that the left uses it, in acceptance of all form [sic] of sexual deviant behavior as the norm--as normal, natural, good--it’s a cancer that brings down societies.”

Can I get a “Wow” and an “Oh my goodness?” Who knew we gays had so much power? I’m not sure whether to tell my monkeys to “Fly!” Or ask the mirror “Who’s the fairest of them all?”

As a child from the South, raised in the Baptist faith, I am very aware of the Biblical stories. Never once have I heard homosexuality connected to Noah’s flood. The destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, always! That's a given. It seems to be the go-to major event for those citing homosexuals as the reason for an epic destruction. But Noah’s flood? That was news to me. Sometimes I feel that certain modern day Christians blame anything “wicked” from Biblical times on homosexuals. As if it’s not possible there was any other wickedness in the world of that day. 

I went home and grabbed my New International Student Bible, copyright 1992. It’s quite the departure from the King James Version of my youth. I immediately found the story of Noah’s flood and started to read. I combed every word of Genesis chapters 6-9. And you know what? I didn’t find anything resembling a homosexual act causing the flood. Then I decided to read the chapters preceding the flood. Again, no homosexual acts. I was confused at this leap by Mr. Barber, to say the least. So, I did a little research.

I discovered the website Delusion Resistance. The mention of Extraterrestrials and UFOs connected to the End of Days should have been enough to turn me away, but I found something interesting. Among the site’s many articles was one by David Ben Yakov under the heading "The Days of Noah." This find led me to the New Testament version of the Great Flood story told in Luke, chapter 17, verses 26-27. After reading it it hit me: it’s all about spin. I’ll explain. Here’s the Biblical excerpt from Mr. Ben Yakov's article:

“And as it was in the days of Noe, so shall it be also in the days of the Son of man. They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all.”

It was unclear to me which version of Biblical text Mr. Ben Yakov was using, but according to the article, per the custom of that day women were given in marriage to men. Therefore, according to Mr. Ben Yakov’s interpretation of the text, "they" must refer to men. The conclusion is then drawn that because "they" equals men, the words "they were given in marriage" must mean men were given to men.

In my Bible’s translation, the word "they" is replaced by "people." It's interesting how different it sounds when you change the noun. Here’s the text from my Bible: 

“Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man. People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all.”

What I see in the above passage is people (men and women) living their lives, doing what people do. That gays caused the flood seems to be all about interpretation and spin. Any of us can find the right translation and the right scriptural passage to make our point. What would be nice is if we stopped having to prove our point and could learn from the mistakes of old and live in the world of the present. 

I don’t practice any organized religion at this point in my life, choosing to focus on a spiritual relationship with God that is all my own. I am, however, proud of my roots, and proud of the courage I’ve discovered to question instead of merely follow. I don’t want to be a sheep who follows blindly. I want to understand why I believe something. I want my life to consist of more than who’s wrong and who’s right. 

I was put on this earth a gay man. There is no interpretation or spin needed for that. It is my truth. In this world full of naysayers who believe like Mr. Barber, I’m doing my best to live my authentic life. However, I’m smart enough to know that as long as people keep spouting their interpretations of the Bible, there are those who will believe them no questions asked.

So for now, I would like “The Power” by Snap! to be on constant loop reminding me that we gays have the power to make things happen. How’s that for spin?