A Mother's Response Makes for a Beautiful Moment

“Was she beautiful?”

 

It was a question but also a response.

 

I turned to the man walking next to me on the crowded street. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to. I had to express my gratitude. A simple thank you. You see, he was the father of a little girl walking a few paces in front of us that had exclaimed, “I just saw another drag queen!” with such excited gusto that one might think she was the winning contestant on Spot! That! Drag Queen!

 

It was the little girl's mother , however, who’d responded, “Was she beautiful?” The response heard round my brain.

 

I was touched. Beyond touched, maybe. I felt something spread through my chest. Expand inside me. This seemingly heteronormative nuclear family with two children—one boy, one girl—were in the gay mecca of Provincetown, Massachusetts, in big-gay July. Bear Week to be exact. So, I had to believe they knew where they were. But this response…this one, from a mother to her child, hit me hard in such a positive way.

 

I immediately thought of my own parents on a vacation with young Michael. First, they never would have taken me (or themselves) anywhere near a gay mecca, so let’s acknowledge that immediately. (Fifty-five years later, they still wouldn’t be caught there.) Second, I can’t quite imagine their response being anything near that positive.

What I can imagine is their fear of queer life leading them to pull me away from the “freaks.” I can imagine my confusion and curiosity instigating a question or two. I can imagine the sound of crickets riding on a wave of silence as they hoped I would let it go if they avoided answering me.

I was so moved in that moment by a mother’s response to her child that I had to say thank you to her also. I mouthed those words as I passed her. She smiled and said, “You’re welcome.” I kept walking, her smile burning its way into my memories. She didn’t make a man dressed as a woman a bad thing, a negative thing, or a we-have-to-protect-the-children thing. Her response immediately normalized, for her child, one of the most historic expressions in queer culture.

 

My brain churned this moment round and round the thought processor for hours. I was very aware of the sensation that flooded my body in that moment: my heart leapt. One might even say that it was Grinch-like and grew three sizes that day. I felt so much joy mixed with a dash of surprise. That’s why I had to say something to the father. I wanted to thank him for giving to his child something that young me recognizes that I didn’t get, something that I still long for.

 

Can I fault my parents for their, shall I say, innocence? Like me, they grew up in that same small southern county where I was raised. Can I fault them for passing their phobias on to me? I can’t really. But I do.

Drag queens are fierce, strong, and bold; loud and visible. I remember when I first started watching drag performances in the early 90s, how much I loved it. I was mesmerized.  The work that went into it. The makeup. The over-the-top glamour. The humor. The precision. The fabulousness. The fear of finding myself in a drag queen’s sights then on the other side her quick-witted, vicious tongue but sitting close the stage anyway. Drag queens are necessary in queer culture, and with respect to the current fear mongering perpetrated by conservatives in the United States, they aren’t going to harm children. Drag is performance. It’s art. It’s theatre. It’s expression. It’s fearless.  And if a parent can explain Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire, then they should have no problem explaining Lil Miss Hot Mess reading a damn story to children in a library. But I digress. 

I can only imagine a world in which I grew up not afraid of being myself. Not afraid of being different. Not worried that different was wrong or bad. Not confused by the pure joy I felt when wearing a pair of my mother’s heels or one of her skirts. Not afraid to ask questions. Not afraid of the answers. I can only imagine how I might now accept my own queerness. How I might accept my femininity. How my insides might feel less twisted with fear as I ponder the possibility of my own transness.

I can only imagine how beautiful it might have been if my own mother hadn’t been afraid. How beautiful it still could be if she would only engage with me about my queer identity.

So, I return to that question: “Was she beautiful?”

Yes. She was. From my perspective, she was a beautiful woman, a beautiful mother, and a beautiful human being. I hope her daughter realizes how lucky she is. 

Two Weeks & Twenty-Six Cents

When I was younger, two weeks could seem like an eternity. What about for you? Did the two weeks leading up to Christmas drag on forever? And what about the two weeks before your 16th birthday? Or the two weeks leading up to the end of the school year? Weren’t the hours endless? Of course, there are exceptions to this prolonged waiting period; e.g., the two week break I used to get during the Christmas/New Year’s holidays when I was in secondary school felt like it only lasted a couple of days. 

Back in October of 1998, I found myself unemployed for an indeterminate amount of time. (Kind of like right now. Except, right now, I “kind of” have a return-to-work date even though it keeps getting extended.) I worked in the box office at the Century Center for the Performing Arts Theatre; an off-Broadway performance venue where the most recent production, Stupid Kids, had closed early (October 4, 1998) and there was no replacement waiting in the wings.    

I took a Greyhound bus from the Port Authority in New York City to Nashville, Tennessee. At that point in my life, taking the bus was the only way I could afford to take the trip. It was an adventure—a 24-hour adventure 😳. (And one that I didn’t relish repeating for the return trip. I’m just sayin’.) It took roughly three more hours by car to get to my ol’ Kentucky home. But I got there…with no responsibilities and no plans.

During that visit, I felt very creatively fertile. Every morning I made a pot of coffee and perused old journals, searching for those soul bearing moments that might make a good country song. Some days I didn’t change out of my pajamas: no shower, no real clothes, just focus and flow. My parents would leave for work, and I would pour the first cup and sit down in front of my mother’s computer and start transforming adolescent thoughts into lyrics, hoping I might be composing A, if not The, Next Big Hit for country radio.

While stardom was something that eluded me, mostly due to my own lack of motivation to chase it, that time in my life is a warm memory cloaked in fuzzy slippers that is at once comforting and melancholy. 

Two songs figure prominently in my memories from that visit: “26 Cents” by the Canadian country group, The Wilkinsons, and “Wide Open Spaces” by The (no longer Dixie) Chicks. While both were favorites before, they became touchstones for me...and my mom. And remain so to this day.

Two weeks had expired when the time came for me to return to NYC. The Century Center had a new tenant. I was employed again. Memories fade. And while mine is pretty solid (ask anyone who knows me well), I don’t recall a flying-by feeling. In my memory, time marched at a steady pace—not too fast, not too slow. I remember feeling free and dare I say, happy. That’s not a feeling I always feel when visiting Kentucky.

At the Greyhound station in Nashville, my mother gave me an envelope. She asked me not to open it until I was on the bus. I was extremely curious what was inside, but I waited—like I used to have to wait for my grandparents to arrive on Christmas morning before I could unwrap anything. Once the bus started moving, all deals were off. I opened it.

In my hands I held a lined piece of notebook paper where, in her perfect left-handed cursive, my mom had written the chorus to “26 Cents.”

When you get lonely, call me

Anytime at all and I'll be there with you, always

Anywhere at all

There's nothing I've got that I wouldn't give

And money is never enough

Here's a penny for your thoughts

A quarter for the call

And all of your momma's love (9-16)

Below that she had written her own message of love and encouragement. And at the very bottom she had taped a penny and a quarter.

Cut to August 3, 2020. The COVID-19 pandemic has left me unemployed, isolated, afraid, and with limited access to my fremily (that chosen family of friends) for nearly 20 weeks. 

I was supposed to take a trip to Kentucky in June for a wedding that got postponed to August. When I changed the flight I decided to add an extra week to the stay. I mean, why not? I had nothing better to do. And sure, after 23 years in New York City, country living in the southern part of the United States is something that I can only take in small doses. A week teeters between just enough time and an overstay. It all depends on how I let outside factors affect me. But weighing the options, a large back yard and a pool seemed pretty charmed even if I might have to deal with Trump-supporting politics. And lest I forget, momma’s hugs and home cooking would be beneficial perks.

My mom might be the one person in my family that I allow myself to be vulnerable enough with to have very frank discussions. I push. She listens. Sometimes she has advice. Sometimes she doesn’t know what to say. I often wonder if I make her uncomfortable with my statements or questions; if I’ve pushed too hard or too far. I probably over share. But she keeps smiling at me, hugging me, loving me. I don’t know how she does it—(This must be where All of your momma’s love comes into play)—but I’m grateful that she does.

For two weeks the days were filled, each turning to night without me seeming to realize it was happening. 

My mom and I took three-mile walks almost every day. In that freedom of companionship and exercise, we talked about many things: the pandemic, people’s reaction to it, people’s inability to respect others and wear a mask, other frustrations, the fiction I’m writing, the soap opera Santa Barbara, my love for the soaps in general. We talked about the past, the present. We questioned the future while also looking forward to it. We huffed and puffed and challenged ourselves while sweating through our shirts. 

We played card games almost daily: Rummy, Five Crowns, Karma. We laughed. We quibbled. (One is prone to quibbling and deep sighing when a winning streak seems to be consistently elusive. Trust me, I sighed. I sighed so much.) We ate Milk Duds. We ate the fresh blackberries that we picked from the garden. Picture it: Arlington, KY. 2020. Me picking blackberries in a garden. But I digress.

The inevitable question: “What would you like to have for dinner?” was usually asked before we had even decided what we wanted to eat for lunch, and was usually met with an exaggeratedly humorous response along the lines of, “We haven’t even eaten lunch.”  But the duck, the chicken, the steak, and the pork chops were all worth the early decisions when they made their way from the grill to the table to my mouth. 

Sitting side-by-side on my parents’ sofa, my mom and I battled for the win playing Words With Friends. Books were completed and new ones started. Homemade ice cream churned in the garage, its hum becoming white noise until it stopped. Hours were spent cavorting in the pool: sliding into the refreshing coldness, tossing a volleyball back and forth, sitting on the bottom, attempting to keep a frisbee in the air—fifty-four times was the record between my sister and me. 

We found family relics that I thought had been inadvertently discarded by me long ago. I had resigned myself to the sadness of their loss, accepted I would never see them again. Yet there they were in a storage tub in a large closet in the basement of my parents’ house. I was overwhelmed at seeing again this bonanza of sepia-toned pictures and daguerreotypes; images of family members I couldn’t possibly know and that no one still alive could provide information about. I was beside myself to once again hold the hand-written document noting the births and deaths of the family from which my own maternal line started five generations prior. My excitement was contagious and my mom caught it. 

We consumed hours of television: The Golden Girls, Friends, Santa Barbara. We watched Jurassic Park and Scream.

Sleep came. And, for the most part, it cast us deeply in its shadow. Morning brought a new day, a fresh pot of coffee, a mug of hot chocolate, and a question of what to have for dinner.

We washed, rinsed, and repeated our way through two weeks. And even though those two weeks 

contained the same amount of minutes and hours as any other two-week period, they seemed to fly by. I guess it really does when you’re having fun.

As we get older, time no longer marches at a glacial pace. It speed skates. There is no way to slow it down. Our task it to enjoy every moment. That’s all we can do.

As we said our goodbyes outside the small regional airport in Paducah, Kentucky, I thanked both of my parents for the welcoming opportunity to freeload at their house and told them I loved them. Mom always gets the last hug. That’s the way I want it. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a penny and a quarter and placed them into her hand. She looked down at what I’d given her and continued to smile even as her eyes filled with tears. History repeating. A full circle moment. 

Now that I’m back home in NYC, a two-week period of self-quarantine begins. That’s because I’ve returned from a state with increased rates of COVID-19 transmission. Time in isolation is rarely fleeting so I’m betting this two weeks will inch along like an airplane sitting on the tarmac, 24th in line for takeoff.

“Who doesn’t know what I’m talking about?” The Chicks ask in “Wide Open Spaces.” Who doesn’t indeed.