Confessions of an Adult Grudge Holder

How long is he going to last this insecure little boy that lives inside of me? How long before I release the scared young man that was frightened to walk down the hall at school unaccompanied by a friend? I’m nearly 40 and many of these feelings are over 20 years old. When does it end? When does all the work I’ve done on myself and the person I’ve grown to be actually defeat the self-doubt of my youth?

I saw a production of Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead last Friday night. It’s an interesting imagining of the Peanuts® characters as teenagers in high school. Charlie Brown is saddened over the death of his dog and confused over his feelings for Schroeder. Yep, Snoopy is dead - rabies. He had to be put down after he killed Woodstock. Sally is searching for an identity. One minute she’s Wiccan the next she’s gangsta. Linus is a total stoner. As for his blanket, Lucy and Charlie Brown burned it so he laced a joint with it and smoked it thereby making it part of his body forever. Lucy is locked away after setting the Little Red-Haired girl’s hair on fire. Oh yeah, she had an abortion also. Pig-Pen is a total germophobe and homophobe. For 5¢ I bet The Doctor Is In and can help with both of those phobias. Schroeder’s dad went to prison for molesting him and everyone stopped being his friend. He’s the one they all call “fag” and “queer.” They all think he’s gay, but he’s not sure…yet. He and Charlie Brown not only kiss, they have sex. Peppermint Patty and Marcie are the original mean girls – nasty and fake to the core.

This vision is not what I think of when I watch A Charlie Brown Christmas. I think they’ll always be the same – friends – but we all change. Just as happens in life, we grow out of our friends and into clicks. Someone that is your best friend in elementary school may become your enemy, or the person you choose to pick on and belittle, in middle school. It gets worse in high school. Why are we such fools? Why can’t we see that we’re all people, searching for love, compassion and camaraderie? Why do we seal ourselves away at the cool table, the nerd table, the band geek table and the stoner table?

My niece is approaching middle school. My heart actually breaks a little when I think about the bullshit that she’s getting ready to start going through. Popularity becomes so important and anyone that’s different starts to stand out.

My life is so changed from what it was 20 years ago. I’m more confident in many ways while still insecure in others. Example: I can walk into a room and command attention. I want to command it. Then I begin to wonder why I’m commanding it. Confidence, insecurity, questioning, understanding – it’s like a bipolar cocktail being shaken and stirred at the same time. Insecurity sucks! How do I unlearn that? What I really find fascinating is that for all of my gay and proud bullshit I’m still insecure about being gay too. All these years later I’m alternately excited and nervous when I see two men holding hands on the street. I don’t know why I can’t just be happy. I am partly happy, but also partly afraid they will be physically or verbally attacked. Fear of what one doesn’t understand can make him the meanest bully of all.

I can tell you that I’m afraid of what people think. I give my power away every day. I learned it a lifetime ago from my dad. He is so concerned with what other people think and how they perceive him that it is solidly ingrained into me. I wish I could shed that “caring” like a dead skin and rid myself of its restrictive imprisonment. Regardless of whether anyone else is or not, I want to be proud of my choices and me. I want to stand up for what I believe and not feel like it’s a confrontation to express my opinion or my beliefs when someone else feels differently than I. I want to stop apologizing for my life. I want to not be ashamed of being gay. There I’ve said it. It’s disgusting to me to even admit it, but I think I have residual shame attached to being gay. I’m not ashamed that I’m gay really, but I was always afraid of bringing shame on my parents. There’s that caring-what-people-think thing again. There’s no shame in being born black. There’s no shame in being born a blond. There’s no shame in being born gay. NO SHAME!!

I’m out to my parents now. They love me. There’s nothing to hide. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I can’t keep my head down and my eyes averted forever. I’ve been there already. I walked with my head down in high school a lot. I made a conscious choice to walk with my head held high and my eyes level when I moved to New York City. Over the years I have slipped back into old patterns. I want equality. I want my gay brothers and sisters to be able to marry should they so choose. I think that I’m afraid because the spotlight is on gay issues in this country (hell, the world) right now. We are trying to be so PC that we cease to just live and be people. We just need to respect each other and help each other and show compassion. Damn it! We need to treat each other better and maybe some of the fear that I feel and the boy in high school, unsure of the feelings he’s feeling, feels will go away. Different is not bad. Different is nothing to be scared of. Different is what makes us unique and strong.

What I’m learning is missing from my life is forgiveness. I have yet to forgive the tormentors from my youth. I have tried to forget about them since leaving Carlisle County, KY. That does not allow for healing and forgetting doesn’t work. For some reason I think holding the grudge gives me some kind of strength. It doesn’t! I know that I need to let it go and give my forgiveness for the bullying and teasing, which was more about them than about me. Why should a man with this much distance and space between that past and this present continue to hold a grudge? Saying “I forgive you” doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t make them the big winner. Saying “I forgive you” makes me a stronger man; it diminishes their power over me. I will be 40 in a matter of months and I’m just realizing that people who probably haven’t thought my name in two decades have a power over me that they don’t even know about. What a waste of energy and time that is. Saying that I want to forgive them is easier to do than actually forgiving them. I am aware of that. Wanting to do it is the first step in actually doing it though, right?

Maybe by forgiving I will stop apologizing for who I am. Maybe my head will come back up to a held-high position. Maybe, just maybe, I will stop caring what everyone else thinks and just stand firm behind my own thoughts and opinions. Maybe the little boy and the scared young man will see the strong man I’ve become and put their fears aside. Maybe I will start to appreciate and love myself more.

Oh, I almost forgot, Pig-Pen was so incensed by the kiss and the sex between Charlie Brown and Schroeder that he broke Schroeder’s fingers. Unable to play the piano anymore and completely defeated by the bullying, Schroeder saw no other alternative but suicide.

I want to take a moment to say thank you to all the people back home that accept me for the person I am. Who accept me for just being a human being. I want to thank all the people who want my friendship and tolerate my insecure bullshit. You’re appreciated and loved and I am blessed.

Sondheim on Sondheim

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit and the vermin of the world inhabit it..." A Stephen Sondheim lyric from "The Barber and His Wife" from SWEENEY TODD used to comic effect in the new revue, SONDHEIM ON SONDHEIM, playing at Studio 54.

It wasn't too long ago that I wrote in this blog about Stephen Sondheim. I had just seen the first ever Broadway revival of A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC. I was floating somewhere above cloud nine as it was my first opportunity to see a production of the musical and my first experience seeing Angela Lansbury on stage.

This night was another first. I got to see Barbara Cook perform for the first time. She won the 1958 Tony Award® for Best Featured Actress in a Musical for playing Marian the Librarian in THE MUSIC MAN. I've seen clips of her singing, but never experienced it live. She's 82 years old and her voice is amazing. There are phenomenal singers who, as they age, lose their ability to sing the way they once did. For Barbara Cook, that change is minimal. Oh sure, she doesn't move as easily across the stage as she once did. She's 82! But that voice was so lovely on most everything she was given to sing.

There have been many revues using the songs of Sondheim but what makes this one extraordinary and important is the participation of the man himself. According to a New York Times article from October 2009, James Lapine, who conceived and directed the show, described the revue as, "a kind of impressionistic view of him that’s put together with pieces of archival footage and interview footage. It’s a collage of his life, in which who he is and how he got there comes in to focus." That footage is what made seeing this show so spectacular. Sondheim was honest. Very honest. I don't know if it's because he's 80 now and doesn't worry about how much people know about him or what, but it was amazing. Some of the information was well documented and some of it was private, but hearing him say the words made is so personal. It was like hearing it all for the first time. Add to that the beautiful songs chosen to fill the more-than-two-hour piece and you've got me sitting on the edge of my seat. Alternating laughter and tears. Moments of shear exhilaration when Vanessa Williams sang "Losing My Mind" from FOLLIES then Barbara Cook sang "Not A Day Goes By" from MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG and then the two combined for a medley I've never heard or even thought of as possible. I've heard several medley's of his songs before, but this one blew me away, and the audience. It was the most cheered moment in the show. At least the most cheered at that moment. I know there are readers of this blog that will probably see this show and I don't want to give too much away. It's best to be surprised and enjoy it as it unfolds.

Stephen Sondheim has written the scores to and songs from the musicals that I listen to the most in my life. There is no other composer that gets as much attention from me. I learn something new from a song or just a lyric all the time. The pictures that he paints with the words blow my mind. I want to be able to paint pictures like that. I listen to a song by him and wonder, even knowing what the situation is that he has to musicalize, how did he come up with those words to tell the story. The perfect words to get across the feeling of the scene or moment. The man is a genius.

My friend Tynan attended the performance with me. My friend Mead got me a great deal on tickets and threw in a pass to the patron VIP lounge. It was downstairs at Studio 54. It was very modern in it's decor, but not cold. It was plush and inviting. When Tynan and I entered the lounge at intermission, I gasped and reached for her hand at the same time as she gasped. We were stopped in our tracks. It was a split second that seemed to last for five minutes. I let go of her hand so as to be inconspicuous, but there in the middle of the room was Stephen Sondheim. There were only about 10 or 11 of us in that room and one of them was Stephen Sondheim and he was talking to Mandy Patinkin who starred as George in Sondheim's SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE. I could barely contain myself. It was an amazing moment. It wasn't over yet either. We still had Act 2 to look forward to. I overheard Sondheim saying to Mandy that the second act was better. He wasn't lying. That's were it got very personal. Tears personal. Well, tears for me.

I think you can tell that I had a very good time. The truth is that when I send a "Thank You" email to Mead for arranging the tickets, I will be asking if I can purchase another at the same price. I need the experience again. My favorite composer just turned 80. He may never write another new musical. I need to experience his words about his life and music coupled with his songs at least one more time. Then hopefully, it will be preserved as a recording that will allow me to access, easily, those memories.

"...And it goes by the name of London." That's the hole. London.

A New Life for the Paramount

Restoration is a beautiful thing. I've had the opportunity to see a fully restored New Amsterdam Theatre and the creation of a brand new theatre, the Hilton, by combining the condemned Lyric and Apollo Theatres on 42nd Street. There is a rich, theatrical history that is lost when a theatre is demolished. A theatre is sacred. It's the church of the arts. The musical “Follies” is set on the stage of a theatre the night before its scheduled demolition. Past performers gather and reminisce. Their memories flood the stage in the form of ghosts. That musical was born from a photograph of Gloria Swanson in front of a demolished movie theatre.

How wonderful it is to walk into a restored theatre. We, then, can almost feel the ghosts of performances past while in the space.

I was born in 1971 and the above mentioned theatres were long past their prime by the time I was old enough to care. The New Amsterdam Theatre was built in 1903. The Lyric Theatre was also built in 1903. The Apollo, originally called the Bryant, was built in 1920.

With their subsequent restorations complete, they reopened as legitimate theatres once again. I was able to see the beauty of the New Amsterdam Theatre, painstakingly restored from old photographs, while attending "The Lion King." I was able to see elements of the Lyric Theatre (the original dome) and the Apollo Theatre (the original proscenium) when I went to see the original production of "Ragtime" at the Ford Center for the Performing Arts, now the Hilton. It's history. How many people watched "The Ziegfeld Follies" in the New Amsterdam? How many performers glided across that stage? How many performers performed behind the footlights of the Apollo's proscenium? How many theatregoers enjoyed the beauty of the dome at the Lyric? Now even more people get to enjoy them because the choice was made to restore rather than demolish. This leads me to the latest theatre restoration that I have been fortunate enough to see. The Paramount Theatre in Boston.

According to Cinema Treasures (cinematreasures.org), the Paramount opened in 1932, and was the last of the great movie palaces erected on downtown Boston's Washington Street. Named after its original owner, Paramount Pictures, the movie palace was built exclusively for talking pictures and was said to seat 1700 movie-goers. It has been closed since 1976.

In 2002, Millennium Partners restored the Paramount's facade, marquee, and vertical sign.

In April 2005, Emerson College announced plans to renovate the Paramount Theatre, building an entire performing arts facility in and around the theatre. The $77 million project not only includes renovating the Paramount Theatre into a 560-seat theatre, but a new Performance Development Center and a new residence hall for the school. The complex will also feature a 125-seat black box theatre and a 200-seat film screening room.

My friend Stephen is head of musical theatre at Emerson College and his office is now located in the PDC. He took me on a tour. The following are photos taken by me and Stephen of the beautifully restored Paramount Theatre.



















For me, theatre is a place to laugh, cry, think, learn. There is now another stage in the world on which to create. It's time to turn off the ghost light and let the sounds of comedy and tragedy fill the air.

If The Traffic Will Allow

Just past 5 o'clock, Michael, Katrin, and I exited New World Stages. We headed East on 50th Street toward the zipcar pick up location. About halfway down the block, Katrin said she should have gone to the bathroom. Michael told her to go back to the theatre and we would pick her up on 49th Street by the stage door.

After Michael checked in at zipcar, we waited 10-15 minutes on the attendant to bring the car around. Michael and I threw our bags in the back and jumped in to get on the road. You see we were heading to New Haven, CT. The trip is generally an hour-and-a-half without traffic. We were attempting a 5pm departure to give ourselves plenty of time to make an 8pm curtain of the musical POP! at Yale Rep. Hopefully, we were even going to be able to eat before the show.

Not so much!

When we got to the West Side Highway traffic was creeping along. It wasn't quite a parking lot, but it was barely moving. Michael was frustrated and rightfully so. He kept saying we should have left earlier. Hindsight is always 20/20. We continued on the WSH for a while until Michael decided to abandon the printed directions and attempt a faster route on Broadway. We made a right turn off of the WSH and headed toward Broadway.

I saw areas of Manhattan I've never seen before. Specifically the area from 103rd - 110th Street. It was beautiful. It's the Columbia University area. It's the area I was hoping to find an apartment when I was looking for a new one this past summer. Even though I had never been to the area, people kept telling me it was a great area in which to live. There seemed to be nothing available in my price range. Anyway, driving through it made me long for the ability to live there.

Katrin was sitting in the back seat and used her iphone to help navigate the direction Michael should take to reach I-95 North. The first choice was an exit that would take us back to the WSH. We could see that it was still barely moving. Michael chose to pass that exit and asked Katrin to find out what was the next possibility. We kept heading North on Broadway. The beauty of the lower one hundreds morphed into the less than refined area of Harlem. We saw the signs for I-95 N. It was 181st street. Easy. We followed the signs and started the loop onto the interstate. We could see the traffic. It looked as if it was moving about as fast as the WSH had been moving. We were racing the clock. As we merged into traffic on the interstate, it was moving faster than we first thought. Katrin was giving us updates about how long it would take from that point to our destination. Finally we were on our way

Honestly, we were speeding right along with no problems in sight until I saw a sign above the interstate that read: Accident ahead on the right. We all groaned. Time was ticking. Fifty-three minutes away. That would put us at the theatre with 15 minutes to spare. But we hadn't run upon the accident yet. Toll booth. We have EZpass. However, we missed all the EZpass lanes to our left and got honked at by a large trunk. We got into a regular pay lane. Katrin and I dug out the correct change and we sat there. Three cars in front of us and I wondered aloud how hard it was to put $1.75 in a plastic chute? Michael commented that the EZpass lanes didn't appear to be moving any faster. Finally we reached the booth and the board flashed that it had read the EZpass. Cheers!! Then: the parking lot. We passed the booth then alternately sat on and crept up the interstate. Traffic was barely moving. This must be the foretold accident. Time was ticking. As of now Katrin is thinking we aren't going to make it by curtain. We were hungry. Katrin had strawberry gum that we all chewed. Two pieces each. We crept and crept up the interstate until finally it started to move again. As we regained the ability to accelerate we were given the opportunity to see that there was no apparent reason the traffic had been at a stand still. We passed no accident. If fact, we didn't see an accident at all. Maybe that board hadn't been updated from an earlier accident. Who knows. As we started speeding again, the update on time put us there after 8pm.

The remainder of the drive to New Haven was smooth. We hit the city limits about 8:05pm. At New World Stages we start our shows between 5-7 minutes after 8pm. So I made a comment to that affect. Hopefully, we wouldn't be too late. Michael let Katrin and I off at the door while he went to find parking. We arrived at 8:10pm. We had to wait for a late seating cue. The facility had a flat screen television in the lobby for just that situation. It allowed us to see what we would have missed otherwise waiting to be seated. Michael arrived after parking the car just before we were to be seated. So, we all got to go in together.

I don't really want to say much about the show except that Michael and I didn't care for it and Katrin loved it.

After the performance we were all starving. Since we were late to the show we obviously didn't have time to eat anything for dinner. We started walking down the street and found a Thai restaurant. The kitchen was closing so we didn't stay. We crossed the street to another Thai restaurant. I looked at the hours on the window. They closed at 10pm. It was 9:50pm. All I could say was "we're not in Manhattan anymore." They kindly sat us, but quickly told us that the kitchen would be closing in 10 minutes. We ordered. Thank goodness. Food was on the way. We utilized our time to discuss the production. Our likes and dislikes. The commercial viability of the production for New World Stages or another New York City venue.

Food!

Even though we were tired and our bellies were full, we were perky as we walked to the car. Katrin wished we could stay in New Haven. I did too. Not having to be at work until 3pm the next day myself, I would have loved an evening in a hotel room in that cute little Connecticut town. It's a city, I know, but it's a college town. That somehow makes it feel smaller, more intimate.

Somewhere, either at the restaurant or on the walk to the car, dessert was mentioned. I think I said something about McDonald's drive thru for coffee and apple pie. Everyone agreed that was a good idea.

We quickly and rather easily found our way to I-95 South and began our trip back to New York City. Katrin chose the back seat again as she wanted to nap. Michael was driving. I was the passenger in charge of the music. At first we were going to listen to a musical. Something to keep us entertained on the drive back. Then I decided to play DJ and play selections from various musicals. All the while trying to keep things uptempo and lively. It was, after all, almost 11pm and we were driving. We listened. We sang along.

Soon after we crossed into New York State, Michael decided to stop for gas. Wouldn't you know it, there was a McDonald's just down the street. Katrin decided against dessert. Michael chose the pie. I chose a hot fudge sundae. No one chose coffee. It was almost like being back at the toll booth. One car in front of us and it was just sitting there. Again I ask, how hard is it to count your money and pay your bill? Pie and ice cream in hand, with rain now falling from the sky, we got back on the interstate for the final leg of our trip. The music of choice was Little Shop of Horrors and Rocky Horror Show.

We were back in Manhattan shortly after midnight. It literally took us about and hour-and-a-half even with the pit stop for gas and McDonald's. That's what happens when there's no traffic.

I'm glad that I was given the opportunity to ride along on the trip. I'm glad that we went by car instead of train. Even with all the traffic, and not arriving on time, we had a good time. I hope we get to do it again soon.

Smiles on a Fall Night

Last Wednesday night I saw the first ever Broadway revival of the 1973 Tony Award winning Best Musical A Little Night Music by Stephen Sondheim. This was just the latest piece of work to be revived by my favorite musical theatre composer.

Revivals are a very important way for us to remember the past. They give those of us who couldn't see the original a chance to see what we could, up to that point, only here on a cast recording. Revivals give us a chance to correct mistakes or to see the beauty that is seldom found these days. Some revivals are re-stagings of the original. Some revivals are vivid re-imaginings. Some use the original choreography but use different direction. Whatever the case, I'm thankful that producers continue to revive the beautiful, important works written by Stephen Sondheim.

Thanks to revivals I've now been able to see:
1997 - A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum (1962)
2001 - Follies (1971) 1st Broadway revival
2002 - Into The Woods (1987) 1st Broadway revival starring Vanessa Williams
2004 - Assassins (1990) 1st time on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris
2004 - Pacific Overtures (1976)
2005 - Sweeney Todd (1979)
2006 - Company (1970)
2008 - Sunday in the Park With George (1984) 1st Broadway revival
2009 - A Little Night Music (1973) 1st Broadway revival

Along the way I've gotten to see two iconic musicals in which Sondheim wrote only the lyrics. Gypsy (1959) starring Bernadette Peters in 2003 and Patti Lupone in 2008 and West Side Story (1957) in 2009.

Anyone Can Whistle (1964), Merrily We Roll Along (1981), and Passion (1994) would complete my viewing pleasure. The first two were enormous flops in their day so it is unlikely that a major Broadway revival of either will happen. Not out of the question, just unlikely. After all, enormous flop Carrie may be heading back to Broadway soon. Thanks to the preservation of a performance on DVD, I can see Passion any time I wish. That's not the same as sitting in a theatre and consuming with my ears, eyes, and emotions, but for now it has to do.

There is a single chair sitting on stage. The orchestra can be heard warming up. A man enters, sits in the chair, begins to play his cello. Others enter, a quintet of men and women, and begin to sing. At that moment I am thrust into the world that is A Little Night Music. The playbill indicates the time is turn of the last century and the place is Sweden. I got the turn of the century part based on the costumes. How beautiful to hear the singers and strings come together for the Overture and "Night Waltz" that opens the production. You see, every song in A Little Night Music is a waltz. Seems rather a perfect fit for the setting. As the show is a series of love triangles, how better to musicalize it than to use waltz which is in three's. Rather genius of Sondheim. I wish I had figured that out on my own without having to learn it from a book.

This seems the perfect moment to interject that my only familiarity with A Little Night Music comes from listening to the original cast recording. I haven't seen the Ingmar Bergman film "Smiles of a Summer Night" on which the musical is based nor have I read the script even though I own it. So you can imagine my surprise to find the book scenes filled with so much comedy. I never thought of A Little Night Music as a musical comedy. Maybe that's because the most well known song from the musical, "Send in the Clowns," is not funny at all. I'm still not quite sure that the piece as a whole can be considered musical comedy, but there are lots of laughs ball-and-chained to the heartbreak. Being so familiar with the score, I loved seeing how the songs grew from the scenes, especially "Every Day a Little Death," Charlotte's heartfelt song after telling Anne about Fredrik and Desiree and Carl-Magnus. The quintet, sweeping through, changing the scene, commenting on the situations with some of the best songs in the show. And then there's, "A Weekend in the Country," one of my favorite songs, which closes Act 1. This song is genius in it's twists, set ups, and backfires as it prepares us for Act 2 - the country estate of Madame Armfeldt. Farce ensues.

This revival stars Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angela Lansbury. They play mother and daughter. Two women from different generations with non-filtered opinions of each other. Catherine plays Desiree Armfeldt, an actress with a child. Angela plays her mother, Madame Armfeldt, a former courtesan, now wealthy woman, at the end of her life who keeps said child from a life on the road with her mother.

Let me trace out the triangles. Countess Charlotte Malcolm is married to Count Carl-Magnus Malcom who is having an affair with Desiree Armfeldt who is in love with Fredrik Egerman who is married to the young, virgin, Anne who is in love with Fredrik's son Henrik, who is having dalliances with their maid Petra who chooses to kiss and sleep with the many before she has to settle for the one. Confused? Like the line in "Send in the Clowns" says, "Don't you love farce?" It is a bit farcical, but it plays out beautifully with the right partners ending up together.

I'm not going to explain in detail the plot of A Little Night Music as you can click the above link and read what someone has so graciously written about the show on wikipedia. I will talk about how amazing it was to sit in that mezzanine anticipating the first chord from the orchestra. The first notes of song from the quintet. The first entrance of Catherine Zeta-Jones. The first word out of Angela Lansbury's mouth. The director, Trevor Nunn, was sitting in the row in front of me, three seats to my left taking notes. That was also very exciting for me. One might think it distracting when his pen lit up to start writing on his yellow legal pad, but for me I was watching the scene and wondering what note he would give later that night and what change he would make. What was minutely wrong with this enjoyable moment?

I often skip one of my least favorite songs on the cast album, "Liaisons." That night, seeing it interpreted by Angela Lansbury changed things for me. The song still seems to be one that the show could do without. It's a character song for Madame Armfeldt. However, it is a reveling piece about her life while commenting on the situations going on between the characters with their liaisons. I never realized that until then. Maybe I should stop skipping songs. You never know what's important even when you think it isn't.

The show was never more exciting than when Angela was on stage. She's an icon. She's won 5 Tony Awards. She knows how to mine every bit of comic gold and heart felt tragedy from every line, word, gesture, or look. I was thrilled that my first Angela Lansbury experience was with a Sondheim show. How perfect for me. I don't know which moon was smiling on me, the one for the young, fools, or the old, but it was sure smiling on me that night. Leigh Ann Larkin was bursting with sexual energy as Petra. Just walking across the stage pulled focus. Her performance of "The Miller's Son" received some of the loudest applause and hoots from the audience that evening. Two scene stealing performances, a score full of beautiful songs, and an Oscar winner making her Broadway debut. It's amazing that I didn't burst all over the people around me.

First times are often full of heightened anticipation though. Mine was no exception. First time to see the show and Angela. Too much. I want to go back and see the show again, with no expectations, and just soak it up. Sondheim is almost always a hard sell at the box office. We've been having a resurgence of his work lately and it may be something that doesn't come around again for many years.

"Make way for the clowns. Applause for the clowns. They're finally here."

There's Never Been A Musical Like Her

Carrie a novel by Stephen King 1974

Carrie was the first novel I read twice. I wasn't a big reader as a child. Actually, my love of books started in 1997 after my move to the City. Flashback to 1993 or 4 and I read Carrie twice in one summer. I identify with her. I went to private school from 1st - 8th grade and started public school as a freshman. Not only is it difficult moving from Jr. High to High School, it's difficult making that move as a new student. I had always lived in the county where both the private and public schools were located, but I hadn't gone to school with any of those people since kindergarten. There were a few people I knew from the community, but that made for very few friends in my class. I was an easy target: new student, effeminate, liked the company of girls more than boys. That's, of course, because I was gay, but afraid to be true to myself. I grew up in a religious household. Nothing like the one provided to Carrie by her mother, but religious nonetheless. I was called queer, faggot, sissy. I was picked on for my clothes, my shoes. I was picked on because I was a singer. There were signs taped to my back saying things like, "I like boys." Once in the locker room after gym class, for no reason, other than I was there changing into my regular clothes, a fellow classmate threw a basketball straight at my face and hit me. I could always completely understand Carrie's desire for revenge on the people who constantly picked on and mistreated her.


CARRIE the musical: music by Matthew Gore; lyrics by Dean Pitchford; book by Lawrence D. Cohen 1988.

Sixteen previews, five regular performances, $8 million completely lost. By the time CARRIE started previews on April 28, 1988, at the Virginia Theater, it was the first musical of the 1988-89 season. It had missed the cut off for the 1988 Tony Awards.

It took seven years from idea to full production for CARRIE to arrive on Broadway. There was a workshop of the musical in 1984 with a full production announced for the 1986 Broadway season. That production fell through as the money could not be raised. Then West German producers became involved and the production was back on track albeit in Stratford not New York. The musical became a production of the Royal Shakespeare Company and booked a three week engagement on the company's mainstage at Stratford upon Avon. Barbara Cook was hired to play Margaret White and Linzi Hateley was hired to play the title role. Speculation arose that this three week engagement was a Broadway tryout. Due to near decapitation on opening night, Barbara Cook dropped out of the production after the Stratford run. She was replaced for the Broadway production by Betty Buckley. Making her Broadway debut, seventeen year old Linzi Hateley remained Carrie.

Legend and lore surrounding this piece of musical theater has it that audiences alternately boo'd and cheered at each performance. Ken Mandelbaum writes in his book Not Since Carrie: 40 Years of Broadway Musical Flops,"Throughout Broadway previews, CARRIE was greeted with one of the most varied reactions ever, with derisive laughter and some boos mixing with cheers and wild applause." I have read every review I could find of the musical. They are scathing, blood drinched pieces of paper that I keep, to this day, in a red three ring binder. The red seemed appropriate. Clive Barnes in the Post gave the only positive review.

Mandelbaum writes, "As for the material itself, CARRIE's stunning mother-daughter scenes constitute the most geniuinely operatic material to be found in any pop opera and feature often gorgeous music. There were a couple of decent pop tunes plus a number of perfectly awful songs, but the Gore-Pitchford score is salvageable." He goes on to say, "What makes CARRIE so unique in flop musical history is its combination of soaring, often breathtaking sequences and some of the most appalling and ridiculous scenes ever seen in a musical. It alternately scaled the heights and hit rock-bottom." I wish I could have seen it.

After opening on Thursday and closing on that Sunday, rumor has it that never have so many people wished they had seen a musical. Bootlegs are said to have quickly begun to circulate. After a troubled preview period gave way to an opening night, the show became legend. It was the most expensive flop of it's time. The ads never seemed more accurate. "There's never been a musical like her." CARRIE was said to be fascinating, thrilling, horrible, and unbelievable. There would probably never be anything like it again.

The Reading: NYC 2009

It was announced several weeks ago that Jeffrey Seller and Kevin McCollum would be presenting an industry reading of CARRIE. The article said that Jeffrey had convinced the writers to revisit the piece. My jaw dropped to the floor. I had to figure out a way to get into this reading. The first thing I did was ask Jen, the company manager of ALTAR BOYZ if she could do anything as she used to work at The Producing Office - Jeffrey and Kevin's company. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I had met Dean Pitchford when he picked up his ticket for THE TOXIC AVENGER MUSICAL at my window. My brain was working overtime. I called the general management office for THE TOXIC AVENGER MUSICAL hoping to get an email address for Dean. I was willing to be very forward and ask him if I could attend. Turns out his request was put in through Diana DeGarmo through her agent. That was not going to be my way in. Then Ryan, company manager of AVENUE Q, realized the director of ALTAR BOYZ was the director of the reading. He made the request on my behalf to Stafford Arima. Stafford gave him the name of the person to email and two days later I was confirmed for one place at the 4pm reading of CARRIE the musical. I was so excited that I didn't talk about it for a while. I didn't want to jinx it. Then I slowly began to share with people that I was going to attend.

When I arrived at 42nd Street studios, my name was not on the list downstairs. I was not deterred. I had all my texts from Ryan confirming my name on the list and the gentleman downstairs said it probably wouldn't be a problem and sent me upstairs to talk to Caitlyn. I quickly found Caitlyn and as soon as I started my story she knew who I was and assured me it wasn't a problem.

I stood in the lobby upstairs in front of rehearsal space 3A and watched as more and more faces I recognized from on stage and back stage and theater management filed out of the elevators and filled the waiting area. The anticipation for me was so heightened that my heart was pounding a bit faster than normal and I had to take slow, deep breaths.

Something that I've wanted for so long was just beyond the door I was staring at. Amazing!!

When we were allowed into the space it was nothing more than rows of plastic chairs facing music stands and other plastic chairs. There was a very large door that separated the two rooms opened to reveal the cast. Conversations were taking place, vocal warm ups were happening, a picture of cast, crew, and producers was snapped for posterity. Finally the cast filed into our room and took their seats. There they were: Marin Mazzie as Margaret White, Sutton Foster as Miss Gardner, Jennifer Damiano as Sue, Diana DeGarmo as Chris, Matt Doyle as Tommy and Molly Ranson as Carrie White. There were familiar and new faces rounding out the ensemble. Was this really happening? Was I actually here and getting ready to hear CARRIE performed? Jeffrey, Kevin, and Stafford took center stage before the reading started. Kevin held a chalk slate for Jeffrey. It had the original artwork, as well as, other writing on it. Jeffrey erased it all and wiped the slate clean. This was a new CARRIE. I was euphoric as the first words of the show were spoken and the first chords were struck on the piano. I have been familiar with the score for many years. As a card carrying Equity member, I am against bootlegs. Here is the but. I was given a bootleg of CARRIE on cd for my birthday several years ago and it is one of my most prized possessions. All these years later and those bootlegs are still circulating. I sat in that space and listened to "In," "Carrie," "Evening Prayers," the soaring "And Eve Was Weak," "Unsuspecting Hearts," "Do Me A Favor," the heartbreaking/terrifying "I Remember How Those Boys Could Dance," as well as new songs written during the course of revisiting the material. At intermission the lady next to me asked what I thought. I told her I loved it. She said she also loved it. She said that Marin was bringing her to tears. Act two brought more new songs and I got to hear the heartbreaking "When There's No One" which made me cry. There was also the destruction number full of previously sung lines in the show. A mash up of thoughts running through Carrie's head. Then the "Carrie" reprise, sung as a lullaby by Margaret to Carrie, before the devastating ending. Not only were there new songs, the book had been retooled to more closely follow the film with subtle nods to the novel. There is a clear, clarified story.

When the reading was over and the applause had died away I had the opportunity to talk to people. I was able to express my gratitude for the invitation to Jeffrey and Stafford. I was able to tell Dean what an amazing experience I felt a part of. I was able to thank Marin and Sutton for their performances and talk about how fascinating the piece is. As for Marin, she blew my mind. And Sutton was amazing as a new teacher, believing that she can make a difference. The role is not Millie or Fiona. Later, at New World Stages, I was able to talk to Diana about the reading. It seems that all involved feel the piece if worth a second look. I agree.

Anyone who has heard me talk about CARRIE the musical knows that I've always believed the piece could work. I've always believed if it was grounded in reality it would work. The characters have to be real people. Today I sat in the audience and witnessed my thoughts on the show realized in front of me.

"There's never been a musical like her" and we just may get the opportunity to see her rise again.

A Trip to Harlem

The first time I went to Harlem it was by accident. My roommate at the time, James, and I got on a 2 train as opposed to a 1/9 train to go home to our sublet on 107th & Amsterdam. We got off at 110th street, just barely inside Harlem's boundaries. The outskirts. What did we know? Two newly transplanted southern boys. We didn't want to pull out our map. Being two white boys in Harlem after dark scared the bejesus out of us. We'd been in New York City roughly 4 weeks at the time. We just kept our heads down and walked fast and got back to an area we recognized. Again, what did we know?

Yesterday's trip to Harlem was intentional and planned.



First stop - Sylvia's.

My co-worker, Michael, and I met at 5:30pm and made our way to the subway station. An uptown 1 local, with a transfer to the 2 express, was just what we needed to take us to Harlem and the soul food restaurant Sylvia's. Located at Lenox and 127th Street, you could easily call Sylvia's a New York treasure. I can't remember a time in my 12 years of living in NYC that I didn't know about Sylvia's. I've even eaten her prepared foods available in the grocery store. I'm sad it took me so long to get to the restaurant to try the food first hand, but happy that it finally happened. Being a southern boy myself, I was very familiar with everything on the menu. It was just a matter of what I was going to eat. I'll get right to the point. There was lots of crazy good stuff to choose from: fried chicken, smothered chicken, fried pork chops, smothered pork chops, chicken livers, grilled catfish, fried catfish, b-b-q salmon, fried shrimp. The arteries might start clogging, but you just gotta give in and eat it. Much to the chagrin of my companions, I chose the chicken livers, sauteed with onions and peppers, smothered in gravy. I was a little hesitant of too much gravy, but it was just enough. Oh. My. Lord. It was so good. The entrees came with two sides. I only had to decide on one because no trip to Sylvia's would be complete for me with out having her collard greens. I chose garlic mashed potatoes as my second side. There was so much good food on that plate that I couldn't finish it all. I managed to finish the greens, but I had to make myself do that. I hated wasting the left over food, but I wasn't in a position to take it with me. It would have been so good warmed up today for lunch too. My only disappointment in the entire Sylvia's experience was the red velvet cake. I just couldn't imagine it not being spectacular considering, to me, it's such a southern dessert. I have eaten better. I have made better. Oh well, next time I'll have to try the peach cobbler. BTW, Michael got the smothered pork chops.

Pit stop - H&M

When we left Sylvia's we had about thirty minutes to kill before heading to the Apollo so we headed into the H&M on 125th. One H&M is just like another. I looked around. I tried on several hats and one fabulous grey coat. I bought nothing.



Last stop - Dreamgirls at the Apollo

This was the whole reason for the trip to Harlem. Dreamgirls is playing a month long engagement at the world famous Apollo Theater before heading out on a national tour. Before the movie helped Jennifer Hudson win an Academy Award and brought the musical back into public consciousness, Dreamgirls was a Tony Award Winning Broadway musical that premiered at the Imperial Theater in NYC on December 20, 1981. The musical was directed, produced, and choreographed by Michael Bennett, known for the hugely successful musical, A Chorus Line. Last night was my first time to see Dreamgirls on stage and to visit the Apollo.

I am a fanatic of the work of two director/choreographers: Bob Fosse and Michael Bennett. My friend Stephen who lives in Boston actually worked with Michael Bennett in the Los Angeles production of Dreamgirls back in its original heyday. I love it when I get to hear first hand stories from the people who were there. Today we don't seem to have the same kind of theatre magicians. There's still amazing theatre. It's just different.

I've always heard about the set and direction of the original production of Dreamgirls. How it was so cinematic. How light towers were used to create locations. This new production uses LED screens to astounding effect. There is one costume change that I always wished I could have seen. The moment when Effie's audition in Act 2 singing "I Am Changing" becomes Effie singing the same song as the club's hired singer. Guess what! Last night I got to see that moment. Dowdy and slightly unsure, a women who has been through the ringer stands and sings for a man who doesn't "have the time" to listen. She sings her heart out. Facing the audience, the spotlight on her gets smaller and smaller until it's just on her face. Key change, spotlight widens and there she is in a whole new costume performing the song for the club's patrons. I got chills. The brilliance of that idea. I can't imagine it wasn't mind-blowing back in 1981 because it was mind-blowing and applause ridden last night. Such a simple trick done in the dark is part of the magic of live theatre.

To be able to see Dreamgirls for the first time on stage at the Apollo was amazing. Listen to me when I tell you that just to be able to sit in the theatre and hear the music live, to see the songs come to life in front of me, was breathtaking. I can't imagine it ever being better than hearing it in that sacred church of Tragedy and Comedy. It is a memory that I will always cherish. The musical's opening sequence is set during an amateur night competition at the Apollo. Surrounded by that Apollo crowd was also an experience I won't soon forget. It brings a smile to my face any time the memory of any scene floods back into my mind. It was an event.

Does it get any better than seeing a groundbreaking show back on the boards at a historic theatre? Nope!