Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Testing 1,2,3...

Testing 1,2, this thing on? Of course it is. I'm the one who's been off.

Depression has taken front and center in my life as of late. Two weeks ago I randomly met a guy. Nice smile, good dresser, into me. I'm not really used to that. I can't believe I still find it amazing that someone would actually want to be with me. Talk about low self esteem. So, he gave me his number and wanted me to contact him the next day. I did. We met up for dinner and them had drinks with some friends of mine after. I had to work the next morning, so when I called it a night, he and his friend decided to leave also. I walked them back to their hotel. Forgot to mention he was visiting NYC didn't I? Well, he lives in DC. Leave it to me to find someone who will show me interest and not live here at the same time. Anyway, he said he would walk me to my subway stop. The gate was already down, and the entrance across the street was boarded up. I walked up to Columbus Circle to get a train bound for home there. Turns out I wasn't thinking about what trains run through Columbus Circle because none of them would take me home. I decided my only real option was to take a cab. The guy asked if he could come home with me. We stood and kissed on the street. I had no fear of the people passing by. He said that he'd been wanting to do that all evening. Again, I was shocked. My value hadn't plummeted like the Dow, it was as tanked as Lehman Brothers.

We went back to his hotel so that he could get his last insulin shot for the evening and then hailed a cab and headed to Astoria. He took my hand as soon as the cab started moving. The apprehensive person inside of me just let the connection happen. I'm so guarded, but allowed myself to feel the human contact that I so often avoid.

I don't need to go into detail about anything that happened at my apartment. I just need to say that I woke up with a warm body in my bed. That is something that hasn't happened in years. I won't allow it. I've told myself I don't need it.

Wrong!! I do need it. I want it and I need it. This person I've become, with my heart all walled up behind a protection tower, really does need human contact. Here's where the depression came into play. I realized all the years I've wasted full of fear of rejection behind my wall.

When am I ever going to stop being that little boy afraid of God's punishment? When am I going to be comfortable enough with myself to be vulnerable enough to allow myself to be loved without fear of consequences?

When is my happiness going to do a Chinese fire drill and trade places with my fear? When am I going to face this? It's not going to face me. It's content where it is - in control!

I am what I am and
I am what I am afraid of
Oh what am I afraid of?
I need a fearless love
Don't need to fear the end
If you can't hold me now
You will never hold me again
I want to live my life
Pursuing all my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won't settle for anything less

The above is from the song "Fearless Love" by Melissa Etheridge. I need to find a way to live my life. I've been trying to find a way to live since I started this blog almost a year ago. I'm still a work in progress. Knowing what the problem is and admitting is the first step. I need to take the next step.