Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Wrong Choice

I had the chance today to do the right thing, to change the outcome, to be a leader by example. I failed. 

A test was presented to me and I reverted to an old way of thinking. I got stuck on what I thought the answer should be instead of examining all aspects of the situation and understanding what would be the best outcome for all involved.

In the moment I felt as though I would be challenging the information that had been previously given, and by challenging said information, stepping on the toes of the person who gave it. I didn’t feel it was my place. I chose to stick to the rules (a dirty word in the instance) as I saw them. I didn’t even realize until later that by doing so I was making a choice not to help. I shake my head discouraged by my inability to see that clearly in the moment. 

Not only did the people I could have helped not end up happy; I didn't end up happy. My own frustration with my actions affected the rest of my day. If I could go back and make a different decision - the better choice - I could change the course of their day and mine. Instead I stuck to the black and white (the dirty rules) that is more comfortable for me, more familiar to me. 

Though I’ve gotten much better at it, I still struggle with gray area dilemmas. I struggle with them every day. It is difficult to face each situation for its own unique set of circumstances. Hindsight shows me that there was an easy end result for this situation. Hindsight shows me it wasn’t really gray at all. However, the “I’m right and you’re wrong” light blinking in my brain blinded me to those results. 

I'm not only frustrated with my actions, I'm disappointed in myself and saddened at the disappointment that my actions caused others. Also, I don't want to see the disappointment in the eyes of the one who will have to reiterate to me one more time how there isn't a set rule; things aren't always black and white; we function in a gray area.

I always try to do my best. I don't always succeed. Today was proof of that. I attempted to rectify my mistake, but it was too late.

Today I could have made a better choice. Today I could have made someone happy. Today I failed. Today I disappointed myself.