Thursday, January 21, 2010

Back To Manhattan

I hate leaving Boston. While there, I try to absorb every second into my cells; to fully experience every moment. From sitting on the sofa to sitting on the sofa. I so enjoy the respite from NYC and my current apartment. I love just being with Neal and Stephen. There is no pressure to be a certain way. It's like being on vacation with the freedom to do anything or nothing. I do believe If I was happier in all aspects of my life it might make the return home easier. Life at Neal and Stephen's is so comfortable. Of course I realize I don't live and work in Boston. It might be different for me if I did, but for now, it's a heavenly escape.

Unhappiness at home is one factor. Loneliness is another. I'm not lonely when I'm in Boston. I can be alone all day, but I know that the boys will be home eventually. As much as I crave my space, my apartment of my own, I love knowing that the three of us will eat dinner, watch television, play a game. I can't seem to figure out what it is that I truly want. I keep thinking that if I could just live in a quieter apartment my life would be what I want it to be. How do I make my life what I want it to be now? How can I translate the feelings I have in Boston to my noisy little piece of rented real estate in NYC?

Neal made a joke Tuesday night during our game of Uno. He said he was tired of working. I said I was tired of my apartment. He suggested I move to Boston and he quit working. Stephen said he would support us. It was all very funny and implausible. It seems a recurring theme in my life as of late has been moving. I'm really searching for a place to be happy. At Christmas I considered moving to Nashville. I constantly consider moving to Boston. I want to move from my current apartment by June. I don't know if that's what it will take to make me happy or not. It seems I have the mindset that making a big change, like moving, will wipe the slate clean and I can start fresh. Unfortunately, the answer doesn't present itself until after the move. Ten years ago when I left NYC for the country music sounds of Nashville, I was miserable. I longed for the life I had left behind in NYC. I lasted ten months in Nashville before breaking the lease and returning home to the City. I returned a changed man though. The exciting life I had made for myself was one I relived in memories instead of just getting back to actually living it. I still haven't fully recovered from that upheaval. It makes sense that I would question any new move that would take me out of the City. I even question leaving Manhattan for Queens. I might be happier in Queens than I've ever been since my move to NYC on 1997, but as a lyric from the song "Defying Gravity" from the musical "Wicked" says, "Until I try I'll never know." It's the trying I'm afraid of. However, my life will only keep cycling this same loop if I don't go for what I want. So much of my problem is that I haven't defined what it is I want. I keep giving off mixed signals to the Universe/God.

I want to be a happy, fulfilled man. I want to be the man who is thankful to be where he is instead of the man finding the negative. The apartment below me is now vacant. My mind immediately leaps to the loud neighbor who might move in instead of the wonderful, respectful one. I'm projecting my fears onto an empty apartment and the stranger who hasn't even signed a lease. Where is my ability to be positive? I've read The Secret three times. I work hard at being thankful and at trying to speak with a positive spin as to eliminate the negative. But sometimes the negative is inherent like the blue eyes I inherited from my mom.

It's time for this man to be happy. It's time to find out what it is that I truly want.