Thursday, September 3, 2009

Fear and Approval

How am I ever supposed to be a well adjusted person if I don't deal with my control issues? A friend of mine thinks it all stems from my father. I'm the first son of the first son. I have always felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I realize this is all created in my mind. My feelings are my feelings though and I'm owning them.

I try to control everything around me. What am I doing? If I don't figure out how to live my life without fear of disappointing someone then I'm not really living it. This is after all my life. Right now I wanna smoke a cigarette or walk around my apartment as loud as I please. I wanna live within the limits of the law, but be reckless. It feels like I'm trying to take charge of my life, and being a control freak , I'm wondering if I'm not in charge right now then who is? Have I conceded my life to the part of me that is in such fear of disappointing others that the real me is cowered in a corner bursting out only as often as the fear allows?

Why am I scared of my father? I'm a 38 year old man. I could be a father. I live on my own, in a place that I paid for with my own money. Why am I scared to ask the downstairs neighbor to turn his music down? Why am I scared to ask the upstairs neighbor to please walk softer? Why am I afraid the landlord is going to get angry with me because I have complaints about his building? All of this stems from fear of my father? Maybe it's dislike for authority figures. It all feels confrontational and that was something that just didn't happen with my father. Still doesn't. I was always afraid of the discipline I would get for doing something wrong as a child. Now I'm afraid he's going to know the real me and not want me around. If he makes that choice, it's his problem not mine. If upon learning I am gay, that I like to drink, that I curse, that I might have the occasional cigarette, he decides to turn his back on me , that is his issue.

I have allowed people in my life to dissuade me from telling other people that I'm gay. I think that is more about them than it is about the person they don't want me to tell. I'm tired of hiding who I am. As long as I let others control my actions I'm letting someone else run my life. And here's where FEAR cuts to the front of the line.

Is everything I'm dealing with in my life right now stemming from my lack of honesty and communication with my dad? Is that the reason that I won't open myself up to find love? I have a wall built around me that is so thick it's impenetrable unless I let the guard down. Beyond that wall there is a steel case around my heart. I don't ever allow myself to be vulnerable. This is not the life I envisioned for myself.

I have to just live my life. The fear is overwhelming. I can't run away from it anymore. Believe me I've tried. I am a person. A human being that happens to be gay. Born that way, didn't choose it. Why would anyone choose something that so many people hate? I am my father's son. He's my dad. I still crave his approval. I have to start approving of myself. If I get his approval that's great, but if I don't my life has to go on.

These are easy words for me to say. Living them every day is what is difficult. I may have to seek a therapist to help me figure out how. I just want the pressure I feel in my chest to go away. I want to work through the core problem in my life. I wonder how everything will fall into place when I just face the person I fear the most with honesty and rid myself of all the secrets